To Know and Be Known…Yet Still Loved

“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  I Cor 13:7

If we are honest, we all long to be known.

We were made for intimacy; to know and be known…yet still loved.

It was in the garden that God formed man and woman and they had intimate fellowship with Him and with each other.  Yes, and for the man and woman, that included physical intimacy, given to them for one another as God intended for them to “know” each other.  It was the two becoming one in every way; body, soul, and spirit.  There was no shame, no hidden agendas, no secrets; they were known by each other and by God and they knew – it was delight!

But, as we know, the “lust of the eyes and the pride of life” (I John 2:16) snuck into even the most perfect of situations. Lest we step back and say, “Ah yes, if only I had been there, I would never…” we need to stop and remember.

For there we are right in the middle of it…”the pride of life.”  We assume we would have wisdom and discernment and would stand against that old serpent when the reality is, too often we don’t do it today.  He came to them as he comes to us, beautiful and crafty and tempting with “Did God really say?” and then later he took them as he does us on the “rationalization and/or blame game” track.

Yes, we are called to a resolve to stand against sin; God tells us to do so!  But He never says stand alone. Rather, we have power over it in the Spirit of God Himself and with His armor intentionally placed and strategically used in our battle against it; and He has given us each other, most prominently in marriage, to be accountable one to another for our protection and joy!

In the area of sexual temptation, however, He doesn’t say stand in it at all…He says flee!   He knows its power and tells us we aren’t even to consider it, to toy with it. No, we aren’t even to “mention what the disobedient do in secret” (Ephesians 5:12)  nor is there to be  “even a hint of sexual immorality” or “coarse joking (Ephesians 3:5).”  That’s not prude; that’s protective and delightfully freeing!

It’s one of the most strategic places the enemy strikes to “steal and kill and destroy” knowing that our God has created this beautiful gift for marriage to bring us deep intimacy and oneness with our spouse.  God knows that sexual intimacy in marriage is intended to be a precious delight to be guarded at all costs – before and during marriage; the results in failing to do so have far reaching results.

When Adam and Eve sinned, God blessed them with shame!  What? Shame was a blessing?

Yes, and when we sin and feel shame, it is a good thing because it tells us we are still tender to the Holy Spirit’s promptings.  It is evidence that we are hearing that still small voice that calls sin out for what it is and calls us to return to the heart of God; and, if we have sinned against another – in any way – to come clean and make reconciliation with them.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation (and away from sin) and leaves no regret.”  (2 Corinthians 7:10)   The fearful place is when we feel no shame or, if we do, yet choose to push it down. Either way, justifying our “pet sins” robs us of intimacy with God and with each other.

They hid in the garden.  Then, when God came “looking,” they blamed the serpent and each other but refused to name the real problem – their own hearts. Not that God really didn’t know where they were. Once again, He wanted them to come out, to reveal rather than conceal the wrong they had done.  He wanted them to be honest, to own up to their guilt so they could be freed from its power. He wanted to restore intimacy with Himself and with each other and they had to name their sin so they could confess it and turn.

How many times do we hide behind our facades contriving half truths (let’s be honest, lies) and full blown dishonesty with those we love, especially the one with whom we are to be the most transparent, our spouse.  We justify our actions in our head; but, for the believer, the Holy Spirit doesn’t allow us to be settled with hiding from God so, if  we choose to rationalize our sin, we become restless and either outwardly or inwardly we blame everyone else but ourselves.

God wants to re-establish that confident closeness with Himself and with the one to whom we have pledged our lives, but it has to begin with owning our own failures first before Him and then with our spouse.

And notice, though Eve sinned first (and they both ultimately did so), God called on Adam as the head of the home, “Adam, where are you?”  (Genesis 3:9)   Of course, women are accountable to God for their own sin and must have their own personal relationships with God through Christ; but, in the home, men are to be leading their wives to the throne of grace; setting the example of honest repentance and restoration rather than hiding their sin and justifying its existence.

We assume that if we are fully known, we will not be fully loved.  In so doing, we love our reputation and our self righteousness more than we love the one we promised to “love, honor, and cherish.”  The unhindered bond of trust and love can only be enjoyed when we lay ourselves bare before the Lord and then before our spouse.

But we do them and ourselves a disservice when we assume they won’t give grace and will love us less.  We show no trust in them and, thus, brick upon brick is layered on the wall of our hearts keeping us from the true intimacy for which we were made. But transparency frees us to forgive and be forgiven; for God to begin to transform a marriage into the beautiful, unhindered delight He always intended!

We are sinners in need of grace, and so we will fail each other; but God never expected us to use that grace as a license for sin or for minimizing it.  He never intended us to use the too oft spoken, “That’s just who I am; I can’t help It; it’s not that bad” rationale or use our male/female propensities as an excuse for our choices and offenses.

God’s desire for His people is a growing obedience not an intentional defiance.  When we choose to pursue that which is after the heart of God, the hearts of two are emboldened to love better and trust more deeply.  But when we make the foolish choice to remain in or return to entangling indulgences, we create a chasm that lies between.

If we share our sins, struggles, and temptations with no intention of giving them up but appearing to do so, we will go deeper into self-centered darkness and secrecy, a greater hardness of heart, and, not only will trust and intimacy not be restored, they will be seared on an even deeper level. When we choose to cling to those things that build walls in our marriages, we are deceived into choosing love of ourselves more than God and more than our spouse.

But, when we trust enough to confess these to each other and in humble reliance on God, leave them at the cross and tear down the strongholds that keep them active in our lives rather than deliberately continuing in them, we find a renewed intimacy, a deep confidence in each other. We learn to “bear each other’s burdens” and, thus, create a safe place for each.  In fact, our confidence can be deeper and every aspect of marriage more satisfying and rich, as God intended it.

In James 5:16, God calls us to that transparency, “Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”  There is “freedom in the things we leave behind” as together we run in our pursuit of God’s delight for us, stripping away the sin that so easily drags us down and away from Him and each other.  It refreshes the soul and builds trust in ways like nothing else as we die to ourselves and choose a vulnerability that is rooted in faithfulness to God and our spouse.

The same can be said for the one to whom sin is confessed; we each must be ready to give grace as grace has been freely given to us by our Savior.  When we have been hurt, it may feel costly, but it is the greatest treasure to choose forgiveness and to set aside any bitter root.  Choosing forgiveness does not negate the hurt, but it does not allow the hurt to define the relationship and it does not allow pain to create a chasm that God desires to repair and restore.

We can and should share the effect of the hurt, not to shame the other but to reveal the consequences.  Then the both the offense and the hurt are taken to the cross and laid before the feet of our dying yet resurrected Savior!

Intimacy in marriage breeds confident trust.  Trust begins with truth; it is both a catalyst for and a result of honest intimacy which cannot thrive without complete transparency; no secrets, no walls even if it means putting ourselves before the other, totally vulnerable.  There is a tenderness and a deep closeness that comes when we humbly lay bare our weaknesses with our spouses with the intent to battle them rather than give excuses for them.  Bringing darkness into the light diffuses its power over us and allows us to battle alongside rather than against each other.

As Francis and Lisa Chan have said in You and Me Forever, “Being in war together may be what keeps us from being at war with each other.”

If, in a marriage, there are deep wounds for which repentance before God has occurred, the pattern broken, and accountability sought, when the enemy rises up to accuse, together we can shut the door on that indictment, for it is neither true nor healthy!

In our marriages, we long for intimacy.  So why would we do things that erode it when Christ has redeemed us not only from the penalty of sin but from the power of it? Why hide from Him and each other when freedom is found in letting go of our brokenness and acknowledging that before God and before each other? There is no intimacy in concealing a part of ourselves, just a restless wistfulness and deeper wounds!

Adam and Eve listened to the first lie, then assumed the second and hid; broken intimacy led to lack of confidence in God and each other.

With intimacy, we grow closer physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

With intimacy, we see our spouses in a more complete way and are able to put aside those hindrances that keep us from loving and trusting well.

We are able to put aside past wrongs, when they are left behind, and look forward to future joy and freedom together!

Will we, as couples, ban those attitudes and actions from our marriages that destroy intimacy? Will we do whatever it takes, in the power we have in Christ, to see they don’t rise up again? Will we also choose to trust our spouses with honest conversations and, as the other, will we choose to respond with grace and love so that marriages that need healing can be healed and those that are already healthy can grow deeper?

It is when we are intimate with God, unhindered by sin left at the cross, that we are free to have intimacy with our spouse!

Will we know and be known…yet still love?

“Real love is lived in the reality of two sinners LEARNING to love and forgive as each transgresses the other and each forgives. The words ‘I love you’ are easy. The sacrifice of ‘I love you’ is hard because we battle our own selfishness and that is where life is often lived.” (Joseph Wheat)

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”            Proverbs 3:3


These hands you made to hold yours, my love  

These feet you shaped to walk with you in our garden

These eyes you placed to gaze upon your face

These lips you formed to kiss my beloved

I was made, I was made for intimacy

 These ears you made to hear your rhythm of love

This voice you placed to sing songs of grace

This hair you wove, you numbered every strand

 This gaze you love, it captures you with a glance

Intimacy is what I need, intimacy is calling me

Jonathan David Helser

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The Steady Gaze – A  Darkness That Needs Light

50 Shades.  Just one of many examples of movies, tv shows, and a myriad of visual “entertainment” where spiritual and physical darkness is cloaked as “innocent romance” yet is anything but that.  Portrayed as a “guilty pleasure” with no consequences.  But, as Ron Hutchcraft says, “There are a thousand shades of dark, inviting us to what looks like a party. But ends up a prison.  A prison Jesus Christ came to save us from. To show us we are more than a body to be used. We are a soul to be cherished. Too precious to degrade or defile. Worth dying for.”

The truth is that it is a symptom as well as an illness; for our culture continues a feeding frenzy to see “just how far” we will go.  Much of our entertainment these days is characterized, on a much more subtle basis, by sexual immorality or right on the outside of the guardrail, along the edge of the cliff.  Most of it is not built on true intimacy but on a cheap imitation that leaves one hungry and assuming that more of the same will satisfy when, in reality, the only sexuality that satisfies is one grounded and lived out in the truth of God’s design!

True intimacy is something to value, to long for, to wait for, and to pursue!

The question “What’s your guilty pleasure?” can really be worded more honestly, “What’s the thing you want to do that is totally contrary to what God wants you to do, but you’re going to do it anyways?” justifying it with phrases such as “It won’t hurt; it will actually help my marriage,” “If I watch, I won’t actually do anything,” “I’m single; I need outlets; no harm,” “Grace gives me freedom.”  They may sound good, but an arrogance, that says we can stand where God says we cannot, drips from every word.

Certainly, there is a difference between the “guilty pleasure” of an unhealthy food that would be better to avoid or taking a break from a laborious chore to do something mindless and that to which God directly or indirectly says “No” particularly in the area of sexuality.  The enemy will tell us from a myriad sources that God is a killjoy who calls sex sinful and that biblical sex is boring. But what God says “No” to is never intended to kill our joy but to increase it.  As the one Who created us, He is far more aware of what will bring us true satisfaction than what we or the world believes. And, indeed, the mind, soul, and spirit are inextricably connected to the mind so that which we “think” on affects every part of us.

If “what’s your guilty pleasure?” in the realm of sexuality is asked with a giggle and a feigned hushed tone, does it somehow make it okay?  And if we can find someone we consider “godly” or “more moral” than us that is willing to engage in it, can we justify being a part of it?  Not if we are allowing Jesus to be Lord of our life and our choices. And, if that one we raise up as “godly” is leading us towards something from which God says to “flee,” then they are not ones we should follow.  They are also guilty before God of being a stumbling block and harming their own walk with Christ.  If we are that one, then God will hold us accountable for leading someone away from His Truth thus hindering their joy in marriage, present or future, and, above all,  keeping them and us from a healthy relationship with the Savior.

For God’s design for sexuality is, as one author puts it, “red hot monogamy!”  Knowing that in marriage you can explore the depths of the soul and body as He planned it, one on one, leaves no room for questions of the heart.  It is a safe harbor where two can increasingly, over time, know and be known and experience great contentment; no breach in the secret places as each protects their own sexuality and that of their spouse or future spouse.

When we set up guardrails for sexual intimacy, as one married or one looking towards marriage in the future, we hold fast to God’s command to “flee sexual immorality” and we protect the genuine. To either not avoid tempting situations or to not run if we find ourselves in them is never positive. To choose a “guilty pleasure” in regards to sexuality, whether it be emotional or physical, of the mind or in time and space, is never helpful nor justifiable!  Stepping over guardrails to flirt with the edge as one relates to sexuality and the opposite sex opens doors that lead to edges that are anything but harmless.

– a look, the clothes we choose, an “innocent” touch, words that stroke the ego

– pornography – visual or literary that makes an indelible mark on our brain

– a movie like 50 Shades and other media that aren’t so quickly dubbed “dangerous;” yet, while  not as deviant, are equally as sexually tempting

– internet sites, magazines, and catalogs that promote a sexual worldview that seems so “freeing” but as God’s word says are “nothing new under the sun”

It all leaves those who act on them wounded and hungry for the “real thing” found only in a sexuality that God designed for marriage. It also wounds those to whom they are connected.  Within marriage, enjoyment can be nurtured, fulfilled, and lived without regret!  It is where the soul and the body become one and true delight follows.  It takes effort, but the joy that follows as each learns to love and serve one another in every aspect, including sexuality, reaps a contentment unparalleled. Certainly, where past sexual sin of any kind has been a part of a life, God is more than able to bring healing and redeem it; but it must be laid at the foot of the cross and left there.  The enemy will say, “what is done is done…might as well do it again.”  Jesus says, “On the cross, I paid the price!  It is finished! Don’t keep picking up sin you have laid here and continue in it.”  We will not find healing and freedom from guilt if we consciously pursue it but will always be “just” missing the joy without reserve if we continue to make choices that, by their very nature, deny the goodness of God for us!

Today we are on the precipice of a temptation that threatens to undo the hearts and minds of so many; a temptation that has the capability of leaving an emotional mark on the soul of individuals and an entire generation.  The danger is greatest for those who minimize its potential and for those who will listen to those who diminish it, choosing to view it themselves. If it isn’t “so bad,” would we want our sons or brothers to be like Christian Grey, in all his sexual deviancy; or our daughters or sisters to date someone like him?  And, as we watch and listen to other forms of media, our filter must always be the Word of God where true freedom is found.  Is it true, right, pure, admirable? There is a pitfall when we “peek” and allow a “hint of sexual immorality” to invade our thoughts, even to just “see for ourselves;” for it is as James 1:14-15 says,  “…each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”  Sin always begins with what we allow in our minds; it is at that point we can choose to either shake our fists at satan and not give up ground or begin the slow fade of giving in to choices that will leave us empty.

And if we truly love family and friends, we will not keep silent about that which has the potential to harm them physically and/or spiritually nor will we join them in things we know break the heart of God.  Rather, we will “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) and “expose the fruitless deeds of darkness” (Ephesians 5:11) so that, as far as it depends on us, they will  hear that truth and have one  who will come alongside as a protective hedge to shed light into darkness. And we will not be wounded ourselves or held accountable for being a obstacle to their relationship with Christ.

True delight is found in sexual intimacy with one in marriage. For the one who is single, purity of the body and mind is no less important.  But for the one who claims Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, sexual purity is also tied to an unhindered relationship with God and with other believers.  We are not saved by our actions but by Christ’s work on the cross alone; however, our actions reflect the health of our relationship with Him and they are a barometer of how much we trust, fear, and are in awe of Him; and it is evidence of a life redeemed and transformed.

             “Oh, it’s hard to imagine the freedom we find, in the things we leave behind!” (Michael Card)

**  Further Resources:

As we “think on these things,” we must always do so in light of God’s word not as we perceive them.  These verses from Scripture are a jump off point, a place to start praying for the courage to stand boldly on Truth, on the goodness of God for His created and very much loved ones!

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”  Philippians 4:8-9

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”  Galatians 1:10

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.  Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” I Corinthians 6:18-20

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.”  Hebrews 13:4

“Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity…you are light in the Lord…find out what pleases the Lord.  Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” Ephesians 5:3, 8, 11

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”  Jeremiah 17:9 (and the heart will say, there is no harm in much of what we watch and listen to, but we have to ask God what He says…and look at it from His word)

“Flee the evil desires of youth” (2 Tim. 2:22). When you flee evil, you don’t keep turning around and asking, “Is this far enough?”  (Randy Alcorn)

“So much of the power of sin is found in its secrecy, Guard yourself with godly friendships and Gospel accountability. God designed sex to be relational…Let us give ourselves to His design and reclaim godly marriages.”   (David Platt)

Specifically in light of 50 Shades:

Special Offer:  Exchange your copy of “50 Shades of Grey” for Dannah Gresh and Judi Slattery’s “Pulling Back the Shades” at

Resources on Pornography for Men and Women:

Tim Challies book recommendations for men and women:

Tim Challies Wife’s Plea to Christian Men:

10 Verses to Help Defeat Addiction (Men and Women):

Fight Pornography Like a Man (A Transparent View):

Corrosive Influence of Porn on Women:

A Letter to Sons:

Men and Women both:  “We need to stop treating pornography like a fly at the picnic and start treating it like a viper in the bedroom.”