Category Archives: Love

We Said “I Do” and Meant It – That’s the Beauty of Grace

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32 years and a couple of months ago, my hubby and I said “I do.”

We had no idea what that would mean, but that’s beauty of saying “I do” in the power of Christ!  It’s just one aspect of the grace God pours out on relationships between two who love and fear Him.  The grace to grow up together, make mistakes together and apart from one another, the grace to love when it’s hard, the grace to forgive and be forgiven, the grace to laugh and the grace to cry – always together!  That’s the beauty of grace.

Very soon, we look forward to our only daughter making those same vows to a young man we have prayed for all her life, though we didn’t know his name.  God’s answer, with this particular young man, is a gift to both our daughter and to all of us.  And, one day, the Lord will bring those wives for whom we prayed, to our sons.

As they prepare, we pray diligently for them both knowing the great joys and the sorrows will come; it is both that shape and solidify a relationship that is grounded in Christ and that is committed to intentionally saying and “doing” “I do forever.”  It is the relationship where both choose to grow in their walk with the Lord and to being humble and transparent with each other, no matter how hard it is or what it exposes; never hiding parts of ourselves. For it is when the two are one in every way, even in humility and trust, sharing their strengths and struggles, wrestling and battling with and for each other (Ephesians 6:10-18), that the enemy can have no room for deception and division.  It’s the beauty of grace.

Recently, I watched our own wedding; the video tape etched with the years but the words still bold and true.

32 years and a couple of months ago, my hubby and I said “I do.” 

As I listened to these vows and the charge from our pastor while my hubby was away on business, I sat in the living room and prayerfully and thankfully said “I do” again. And, yes, through the good and hard times – and, as with all, there have been both – I would do it all over again with this man, “the one whom my soul loves.”  Song of Solomon 3:4

I share these words for encouragement and challenge, whether you are married now or not.  If so, commit to your spouse again; if not, prepare your heart and mind, make your choices wisely, and realize that every decision we make has an effect on the one to whom we have said or will say “I do.”

Choose to love intentionally, deeply, faithfully, fiercely!  It’s worth it!

And when you blow it – big or small – don’t hide.  Take it to the cross together quickly.  Don’t let it linger.  Learn to say, “I blew it.  I’m sorry,” not “I’m sorry, but…”  And learn to say, “I forgive you.”  That’s the beauty of grace.

“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”  Hebrews 12:15

In 1983, these words were spoken to a young bride and groom:

“The vows you are about to take are not a statement of feelings.  You are not saying to each other: “This is how I feel about you.”  You are saying, “This is what I intend to do.”  You’re making a statement about commitment, not about your feelings.

And your vows are being made before God.

One day you will stand before Him and you will give account for how you lived up to the vows you’re about to make.

S, when you marry D, you’re not just marrying another girl.  You’re marrying a child of God.

Similarly, D, when you marry S you marry a child of God.

And one day, He is going to ask you, “How did you treat my child?  How did you love her/him?  Did you fulfill your vows to one another?

What gifts do you bring as a statement of the purity and permanence of this marriage relationship…the rings.

When you look at marriage, perhaps the surprising thing is not that one out of every two marriages is failing.  Perhaps the surprising thing is that one out of two manages to succeed.

That when you join two sons of Adam, two sinners who have their peculiar way of doing things and their own selfish ways and mix them up and put them in the same room, it’s not surprising that there are problems…

But you have a great advantage.  You are Christians, you are children of God, and you have a pattern set before you. 

And the pattern is this, that you S are to love your wife.  The main point is – you are no longer individuals; you no longer are separate.  There’s been the creation of one person.  You no longer have your separate ways and separate dreams and separate goals and separate identities.  The two have become one.  The creation of one new person. 

So from here on out you are to think in terms of the unity.  You no longer have say over your own body anymore.  That belongs to your spouse.  And the two of you belong to one another.  You are to love your wife as you love your own self.

You spend all your time, money, and effort on yourself if you’re the average person, even if you’re the average Christian.  You are to love your wife with the same kind of attention you love yourself and treat her with the same kindness and tenderness you want for yourself.

You’re to love her as Christ loved the church.  Christian love does not seek its own.  Learn to say “no” to me (and my selfish desires) and yes to us.

And, similarly D, you’re called to be subject to and respect your husband.  To “be subject to” is not merely taking orders.  You’re being called to a voluntary submission or subjecting of yourself to S.  It’s used in the military context.  You are to subordinate yourself to the direction of the team; to work as a team going in the same direction.  Willing, positive, willful giving of yourself for S.

The apostle Paul says a woman was made for man so you are called to be a helper, a comfort, an encouragement to him; to make his dreams your dreams.  Most men need a cheerleader and that is something to which you are being called.

What will hold you both in good stead is:

1 – Be tender to each other as you speak sweetly and gently and kindly and never indulge in harshness or cruelty or abruptness.  To never allow yourself to act in an angry or harsh treatment of one another.

2 – The most important words you’re going to need to know and say are “I’m sorry” and “please forgive me.”  That you should be quick to admit guilt because you’re going to be guilty.  You’re going to fail and you’re going to fall short and sin over and over again.  So, it’s incumbent upon you, if you’re going to have a happy life and a happy marriage to learn to say, “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong, please forgive me for what I have done.”  And then to be quick on the other hand to forgive. 

You have a great advantage.  God has given you a pattern.  But even better than that He’s giving you the power.  He’s giving you His Holy Spirit.  And, as you seek Him, in DEPENDENT prayer, you realize that apart from Him you can do nothing, apart from Him you will fail, you will fall short, your marriage will end up on the rocks.  But, with Him and the power and the pattern He has given, you stand.  You succeed. 

You need to realize how much you need Him.  Then commit to praying together and studying the Scriptures together, seeking Him daily that He would enable and empower to lead godly lives.

And, charging the followers of the Lord Jesus Christ, assembled to watch this union.

Your responsibility to this couple is this:

-Rejoice with them and celebrate on this day what God is doing in their lives! 

-Support them in their times of testing.

-Forgive them when they make mistakes.

-Remember them in your prayers.

-Seek God’s blessing on their lives and on their marriage.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   “Together”  by Steven Curtis Chapman

Here we stand, here we are
With all our wounds and battle scars
From all the storms and all the wars we’ve weathered together
We had no way of knowing when
We started way back there and then
How the road would twist and turn and bend
We just knew we belonged together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace
There’s no way we would be standing in this place
But because He has been faithful
Every step along the way
Here we are together

We’ve climbed up mountains higher than
Were ever in our hopes and plans
We’ve held onto each other’s hands
Watched miracles unfold together
And we’ve crawled on our hands and knees
Through valleys cold and dark and deep
Sometimes not even sure if we could make it out alive together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace
There’s no way we would be standing in this place
But because He has been faithful
Every step along the way
Here we are together, together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace
There’s no way we would be standing in this place
But because He has been faithful
Every step along the way
Here we are together, together

“In the marriage journey, (relational health and) healing follows where humility and true repentance have been.”   –     Matthew L. Jacobsen

To Know and Be Known…Yet Still Loved

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DSC_0264“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  I Cor 13:7

If we are honest, we all long to be known.

We were made for intimacy; to know and be known…yet still loved.

It was in the garden that God formed man and woman and they had intimate fellowship with Him and with each other.  Yes, and for the man and woman, that included physical intimacy, given to them for one another as God intended that “know” each other.  It was the two becoming one in every way; body, soul, and spirit.  There was no shame, no hidden agendas, no secrets; they were known by each other and by God – it was delight!

But, as we know, the “lust of the eyes and the pride of life” (I John 2:16) snuck into even the most perfect of situations. Lest we step back and say, “Ah yes, if only I had been there, I would never…” we need to stop and remember.

For there we are right in the middle of what drives all our wrong decisions – “the pride of life.”  We assume we would have wisdom and discernment and would stand against that serpent when the reality is, too often we don’t do it today. 

He came to them as he comes to us, beautiful, crafty, and tempting with “Did God really say?”  Words that seem to soothe the soul, blending truth and error; that “seem right in our own eyes” in the moment.  Later, he took them as he does us on the “rationalization and/or blame game” track.

Yes, we are called to a resolve to stand against sin; God tells us to do so!  But He never says stand alone. Rather, if we are in Christ, we have power over sin because of and by the Spirit of God Himself, with His armor intentionally placed and strategically used in our battle against it; it’s not a matter of just reading God’s Word but living it. And, He has given us each other, most prominently in marriage, to be accountable one to another for our protection and joy!

In the area of sexual temptation, however, He doesn’t say stand in the middle of it at all…He says flee!   He knows its power and tells us we aren’t even to consider it, to toy with it with our eyes, our minds, or our actions. No, we aren’t even to “mention what the disobedient do in secret” (Ephesians 5:12) nor is there to be  “even a hint of sexual immorality” or “coarse joking” (Ephesians 3:5). In the world of entertainment and social media, it’s one place to consider. That’s not prude; that’s protective and delightfully freeing!

It’s one of the most strategic places the enemy strikes in order to “steal and kill and destroy,” knowing that our God has created this beautiful gift – of the body and mind – for marriage, to bring us deep intimacy and oneness with our spouse.  God knows that sexual intimacy in marriage is intended to be a precious delight to be guarded at all costs – before and during marriage; the results in failing to do so have far reaching results and create void unlike any other.

When Adam and Eve sinned, God blessed them with shame! 

What? Shame was a blessing?

Yes, and when we sin and feel shame, it is good because it tells us we are still tender to the Holy Spirit’s promptings.  It is evidence that we are hearing that still small voice that calls sin out for what it is and calls us to return to the Lord God; and, if we have sinned against another – in any way – to come clean and make reconciliation with them.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation (and away from sin) and leaves no regret.”  (2 Corinthians 7:10)   

The fearful place is when we feel no shame or, if we do, when we choose to ignore it, to push it down. Either way, justifying our “pet sins” robs us of intimacy with God and with each other.

Adam and Eve hid in the garden.  But God sought them out.  He came “looking;” they blamed the serpent and each other but refused to name the real problem – their own hearts.

It’s not that God really didn’t know where they were. Once again, He wanted them to come out, to reveal rather than conceal the wrong they had done. 

He wanted them to be honest, to own up to their guilt so they could be freed from its power.

He wanted to restore intimacy with Himself and with each other, but they had to name their sin so they could confess it and turn from it and to Him.

How many times do we hide behind our facades, contriving half truths (let’s be honest, lies) and full blown dishonesty with those we love, especially the one with whom we are to be the most transparent, our spouse. 

We justify our actions in our head; but, for the believer, the Holy Spirit doesn’t allow us to be settled with hiding from God so, if  we choose to rationalize our sin, we become restless and either outwardly or inwardly antagonistic as we blame everyone but ourselves.  This response comes out in a myriad of negative ways that, unless dealt with, over time sears the soul and wounds those nearest and dearest to us.

God wants to re-establish that confident closeness with Himself and with the one to whom we have pledged our lives, but it has to begin with owning our own failures, first before Him and then with our spouse.

And notice, though Eve sinned first (and they both ultimately did so), Adam was not guiltless. He was there. So, when God sought them, He called out for Adam as the head of the home.

“Adam, where are you?”  (Genesis 3:9)  

Of course, women are accountable to God for their own sin and must have their own personal relationships with God through Christ; but, in the home, men are to be leading their wives to the throne of grace; setting the example of honest repentance and restoration rather than hiding their sin and justifying its existence.

We assume that if we are fully known, we will not be fully loved.  In so doing, we love our reputation and our self-righteousness more than we love the God who has redeemed us and more than the one we promised to “love, honor, and cherish.”  The unhindered bond of trust and love can only be enjoyed when we lay ourselves bare before the Lord and then before our husband or wife.

But we do them and ourselves a disservice when we assume they won’t give grace and will love us less.  We show no trust in them and, thus, brick upon brick is layered on the wall of our hearts keeping us from the true intimacy for which we were made.

Transparency frees us to forgive and be forgiven. Transparency frees us to set it change in motion; for God to begin to transform a marriage into the beautiful, unhindered delight He always intended!

We are sinners in need of grace, and so we will fail each other; but God never expected us to use that grace as a license for sin or for minimizing it.  He never intended us to use the too oft spoken, “That’s just who I am; I can’t help It; it’s not that bad” rationale or to give our male/female propensities as an excuse for our choices and offenses. “You know, all guys are like that.” “You know, it’s what women do.”

God’s desire for His people is a growing obedience not an intentional defiance cloaked as a human weakness.  When we choose to pursue that which is after the heart of God, we are strengthened by the Holy Spirit and the hearts of two are emboldened to love better and trust more deeply.  But when we make the foolish choice to remain in or return to entangling indulgences, we create a chasm that lingers between. Sometimes it is an uneasiness that neither can put a finger on because it is at the soul level where we have refused to submit to God.

If we share our sins, struggles, and temptations with no intention of giving them up but appearing to do so, we will go deeper into self-centered darkness and secrecy, a greater hardness of heart, and, not only will trust and intimacy not be restored, they will be seared on an even deeper level.

When we choose to cling to those things that build walls in our marriages, we are deceived into choosing that love of self more than God and more than our spouse.

But, when we trust enough to confess these to each other and in humble reliance on God, leave them at the cross together and tear down the strongholds that keep them active in our lives rather than deliberately continuing in them, we will find a renewed intimacy, a deep confidence in each other that grows.

We learn to “bear each other’s burdens” and, thus, create a safe place for each.  In fact, our confidence can be deeper and every aspect of marriage more satisfying and rich, as God intended it.

In James 5:16, God calls us to that transparency.

“Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”  

There truly is “freedom in the things we leave behind” as together we run in our pursuit of God’s delight for us, stripping away the sin that so easily drags us down and away from Him and each other.  It refreshes the soul and builds trust in ways like nothing else as we die to ourselves and choose a vulnerability that is rooted in faithfulness to God and our spouse.

The same can be said for the one to whom sin is confessed; we each must be ready to give grace as grace has been freely given to us by our Savior.  When we have been hurt, it may feel costly, but it is the greatest treasure to choose forgiveness and to set aside any bitter root.  Choosing forgiveness does not negate the hurt, but it also does not allow the hurt to define the relationship nor pain to create a chasm that God desires to repair and restore.

We can and should share the effect of the hurt, not to shame the other but to reveal the consequences they may or may not have realized they have inflicted and to bring them to repentance and restoration. Then, both the offense and the hurt are taken to the cross and laid before the feet of our dying yet resurrected Savior!

Intimacy in marriage breeds confident trust.  Trust begins with truth; it is both a catalyst for and a result of honest intimacy which cannot thrive without complete transparency – no secrets, no walls even if it means putting ourselves before the other, totally vulnerable. 

There is a tenderness and a deep closeness that comes when we humbly lay bare our weaknesses with our spouses with the intent to battle them rather than give excuses for them.  Bringing darkness into the light diffuses its power over us and allows us to battle alongside rather than against each other.

As Francis and Lisa Chan have said in You and Me Forever, “Being in war together may be what keeps us from being at war with each other.”

If, in a marriage, there are deep wounds for which repentance before God has occurred, the pattern broken, and accountability sought, when the enemy rises up to accuse, together we can shut the door on that indictment, for it is neither true nor healthy!  But to do that together, there must be that raw honesty that is part of being known.

In our marriages, we long for intimacy.  So why would we do things that erode it when Christ has redeemed us not only from the penalty of sin but from the power of it?

Why hide from Him and each other when freedom is found in letting go of our brokenness and acknowledging that before God and before each other?

There is no intimacy in concealing a part of ourselves, just a restless wistfulness and deeper wounds!

Adam and Eve listened to the first lie, then assumed the second and hid; broken intimacy led to lack of confidence in God and each other.

With intimacy, we grow closer physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

With intimacy, we see our spouses in a more complete way and are able to put aside those hindrances that keep us from loving and trusting well.

With intimacy, we are able to put aside past wrongs, when they are left behind, and look forward to future joy and freedom together!

Will we, as couples, ban those attitudes and actions from our marriages that destroy intimacy?

Will we do whatever it takes, in the power we have in Christ, to see they don’t rise up again?

Will we also choose to trust our spouses with honest conversations and will we choose to respond with grace and love so that marriages that need healing can be healed and those that are already healthy can grow deeper?

It is when we are intimate with God, unhindered by sin left at the cross, that we are free to have intimacy with our spouse!

Will we know and be known…yet still love?

“Real love is lived in the reality of two sinners LEARNING to love and forgive as each transgresses the other and each forgives. The words ‘I love you’ are easy. The sacrifice of ‘I love you’ is hard because we battle our own selfishness and that is where life is often lived.” (Joseph Wheat)

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”            Proverbs 3:3

Intimacy

lyrics by Jonathan David Helser

These hands you made to hold yours, my love  

These feet you shaped to walk with you in our garden

These eyes you placed to gaze upon your face

These lips you formed to kiss my beloved

I was made, I was made for intimacy

 These ears you made to hear your rhythm of love

This voice you placed to sing songs of grace

This hair you wove, you numbered every strand

 This gaze you love, it captures you with a glance

Intimacy is what I need, intimacy is calling me

Jonathan David Helser

 

Love Them Anyway

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IMG_0103 8 x 10

Friends and enemies.

Encouragers and persecutors.

Jesus said “Love them, do good to them.”

Everyone, Lord?

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” (Matthew 5:44)

Time and again Jesus posed a question following a question and finished with “Go and do likewise.”

And so He gave the perfect example of doing just what He calls us to do.

He submitted to the Father and endured hatred from His enemies and persecution from those who were blind to the Truth out of His love for us…and for them.

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”  (Luke 23:34)

Then He breathed His last, “Tetelestai!”  It is finished!  The debt we owe was paid in full. Ours is to receive that free gift, humbly seek to live out the same love evidenced by the truth that paid it, and return that gift – that agape love – to others.

They were kind to me…love them.

They wounded me…love them anyway.

They spoke words of encouragement to me…love them.

They tore me down and maligned my character…love them anyway.

They agreed with me…love them.

They disagreed and would not listen…love them anyway.

They found my words helpful and wanted to hear more…love them.

They ridiculed my beliefs and my love for You, Lord; they rejected You…love them anyway.

They made life easy for me…love them.

They made life miserable for me…love them anyway.

What that love looks like may be different and, yet, always the same.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” I Corinthians 13:6

We won’t love our enemies like we love those who love us; instead, we love by choice.

Jesus knew that; it is why He said to do both – pray for them and love them, knowing we cannot pray for someone without it changing our hearts to initiate a God-enabled compassion for them even as we ask Him to transform their lives through a relationship with the living God!

Love can only be achieved by submitting our disdain, anger, hurt, and pride to Jesus who redeemed us, not just to pay our penalty for eternity, but to make us more like Him; to bear His image well and to break our hearts for what breaks His.

In obedience, as we pray for those we consider “enemies” or for friends who have wounded us, we will supernaturally begin to love like Jesus; we will begin to desire a heart change in them and in us.  If we do not have concern for the lost or reconciliation among brothers and sisters in Christ – regardless of their “reason” or their attitude towards us – we are blind to Calvary love.

Love speaks the truth and does not change it to suit the situation or the audience.  But love that extends out from a heart submitted to Christ is patient and kind; it does not pick and choose who is worthy of love.

It is hard, but it is good.

Loving someone may mean saying hard things, those that will not “feel” loving or kind; and yet, doing so in a way that reflects the heart of God rather than our prideful one – speaking to bring healing and change rather than to be “right” is love of the purest kind.

Love that is bold and responds out of obedience to Christ does not compromise nor does it excuse behavior.  We can be angry about the sin that ensnares their hearts and ours, but the love He calls us to is not haughty, arrogant, easily angered, or rude.  It extends the grace of God but does not cover the offense.  Instead, it offers the reality of what was done at the cross.  It remembers that, apart from the grace of God, we would be His enemies.  Apart from Him softening our hearts and opening our eyes, we would still be blind to the truth – that redemption and the ability to run in freedom from sin is made possible by the love of God through Christ’s work on the cross and His resurrection!

Apart from His grace and our continual feeding on that grace, we can become entangled by sin that so easily weighs us down and causes us, in pride, to look and live with our own eyes and hearts instead of His.

We cannot will ourselves to “feel” love for someone; but we can, by an act of the will, be faithful to do what God has told us to do, even if we don’t “want” to.

If He calls us to something, we can do it!  But it takes the grace of God, the choice to submit our wills to Him and begin to pray for their heart change and their redemption.  And, when we have opportunity, it is the choice to do good to them and provide for them even if they don’t deserve it; provide the way out then walk alongside them in the process.

Love is bigger than the “rightness” of our cause; it is intended for the redemption and restoration of souls.  Its intention is that our “enemies” and our friends see and come to know the living God who has a made a way.

Love is an action.  Love is a choice; a decision to submit our hurt, our wills, and our desire for justice to the God who knows our hearts as well as those of our enemies and our friends.  We act out of that obedience not out of our emotions.  Sometimes it changes their hearts, but it always changes ours.

They are friendly…love them.

They are harsh…love them anyway.

They love truth…love them.

They hate truth…love them anyway.

They love me…love them.

They do not love me…love them anyway.

Then leave the results to the God who is exceedingly able to redeem and transform our enemies…and us!

Set It Free – Forgiving When It’s Hard

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“Forgiveness can do much for one; forgiveness can do very much indeed.”

Sometimes it’s hard to let go of legitimate hurt.  You have been let down, wounded deeply by someone close, family or friend, and you find yourself reeling from the betrayal.

We may be annoyed by a stranger or an acquaintance speaking against us or acting in a way that hurts, but the ones close to us know our hearts and we have allowed them a place of intimate confidence so the pain is particularly piercing.

Trying to trust again can be daunting because “…only a friend comes close enough to ever cause so much pain.” (Michael Card)

In the midst of that situation personally from time to time and as I walk with others through that kind of hurt, I have found myself shaking my head, speaking into an empty room to “get it off my chest” but knowing the words spoken would not be helpful nor healing were I to speak them directly to a person, especially in the same acerbic tone.  They would not “be useful for building (the other) up according to their needs.”  (Ephesians 4:29).

Rashly speaking my mind might feel good for the moment, but it is not God’s intent and can ultimately deepen the rift and impede the settling of my soul as well.  

Simply maintaining silence can be equally as painful and possibly destructive to both parties.

Neither bring glory to God.

There is a better way.

I have been humbled by the Lord’s gentleness, bringing me down from my rant and calling me to His heart; reminding me that holding on to hurt wounds me more deeply and could hinder the healing process between me and another.

Bitterness is not the answer.

Jesus was betrayed by a friend, one who had walked closely with Him. This was the focal point off Michael Card’s song above and, while I did not betray Jesus as Judas did, I have betrayed Him with my own sin more times than I can count.  Yet, He died for me and forgives me every time I bring my ragged self before Him, as I seek to relinquish my sin more each time.  He has called me to no less; and, if He calls, He equips.

If I choose not to forgive, no matter how large or small the infraction, then, as Amy Carmichael wrote, “I know nothing of Calvary love.”

But does that mean we simply ignore the injury that caused the pain, whether simple or deep, intentional or unintentional on their part?

Is that amnesia helpful to the other or do we each need, at times, to give the loving accountability of one who wants the best for the person who offended us but also for the relationship as a whole? Are we willing to receive the same?

Certainly, there are times the intent of another is laser focused and meant to injure; but far too often the other person has wounded us because they have not denied self and chosen self-gratification, or they have chosen self-preservation and so allowed a breach in wisdom.

The result?  A word spoken too quickly, a confidence given up, an action that defies reason when at the hands of one we have loved and entrusted.

“Real love demands pursuit…The Bible never says ‘Make it easy for others to sin against you.’* (Lane and Tripp)  Rather, we are called to pursue peace through reconciliation.

As Mathew 18:15 says, “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you.”

But we go prayerfully, with the goal of bringing truth to light and unity back to the relationship.  We humbly pursue, asking the Lord to show us if we have played any part in the conflict.

Certainly, in the case of old wounds, we may simply have to lay past hurt at the cross and walk away from the pain that we feel if not the person.

But, when the wound is fresh or, when the past is allowed to impact the present, and we fail to honestly seek a better resolution, we run the risk of pressing it down without bringing complete healing and the danger is two-fold.

It can leave the one who offended us feeling as if they did nothing wrong, which is not healthy for us or them.  And it can create a bitterness we do not even realize exists until an incident later arises that causes the pain to resurface and our response to be even more pronounced.

God calls us to reconciliation with one another.  He calls us to bring conflict into the light where nothing is hidden and the darkness can be dispelled for the good of the relationship and the glory of God!

Proverbs 27:6 says, “faithful are the wounds of a friend.”  Words that bring healing, painful as they may be, are “truth spoken in love” but aptly so. 

In this conversation, the words are intended to bring our sister or brother to understanding, to see behind their actions or their own words to the “why” so they can have eyes that comprehend and a humility that leads to repentance, first before God and then before the one offended.

Certainly, we must ask the Lord to give us words that are constructive and healing; not with the intention to crush but rather to restore – words that bind up not tear down.  And in that time of asking God for our own heart to speak wisely, we cannot fail to ask that He be working in their heart as well so that they will receive it as intended.

What will it take to put aside our own pride for the good of the other?

Is the healing of a relationship worth the effort? 

How can we step out of our comfort zone to a place where conflict might result but restoration and reconciliation will likely follow?

We know that bitterness hurts our own relationship, first with Christ and then, not just with the other person, but with all to whom we are close.  It is a poison that colors every area of our lives; yet we often fail to recognize it’s effects.

The ease with which we slide into placing that same mistrust on another is frighteningly simple; the way the enemy of our souls causes us to “see” with blind eyes and “hear” with deaf ears things that are not so is far too subtle and swift; even as the inability to see and hear what is needed can be lost.

So, the question is not how can we put aside pride and the fear of conflict, but how can we not?

Sometimes we want to feed our bitterness; to stand in our “right” when they are “wrong.”  But perhaps, before a word is even spoken, it would be more beneficial to boldly take them to the throne of grace then choose something about the person for which to give God thanks, even if it feels like a chore to do so and even if it is something as simple as…”Thank you that they are made in Your image.”

A minute by minute dose of gratefulness will do much to re-order our hearts and attitudes.  Taking a moment to pray for them before we pray about them does a supernatural work of God we simply cannot conjure up on our own.

Our hearts are made more pliable by obeying His command to pray and be thankful even as we ask for healing.

“…in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”  (Philippians 4:6)

Small obediences can change our hearts. It can transform bitterness into deeper forgiveness. 

In a conflict with a friend, the totality of “love” is put on the line and only God, who is perfect in love, can empower us to work through the wounds of one who has acted unlovingly and to seek repair through a love rightly expressed by words and actions.

“Love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  (I Corinthians 13:5-7)

The enemy desires to stoke flames of bitterness between believers because it hinders each person’s walk with the Lord and each person’s focus on the God of grace who has forgiven us so much and equipped us to walk securely.

Even as we hope for the other person to have a humble heart, to “take every thought (word and action) captive,” and to speak and hear truth for the purpose of reconciliation, we must be willing to do the same.

Friendships, relationships of all kinds, can be messy; but they are also opportunities for seeing God’s grace firsthand and for extending it to another.  It is often costly.

We may not receive the response for which we hope, but our call is to obedience and to reflect the Savior well regardless. God cancelled our debt on the cross through Jesus so we must never hold another captive and in our debt.

And, if they have humbly asked for forgiveness, can we do less than accept their offering?

The enemy loves to prod us towards stoking anger and letting it develop into bitterness, doing further damage to our hearts and the relationship.

God calls us to extend His grace to restore a cherished relationship.  We give and receive a gift when we forgive, no matter how big or small the offense.

In this situation and in others that will arise, I pray for eyes to see and a heart that increasingly seeks the best for and with whoever I find myself in conflict; trusting that God can take what the enemy meant for evil and make it even more beautiful and redemptive in His time!

“Forgiveness is both a past event and an ongoing process into the future.  It is a past promise you keep in the future…When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves further down the road to maturity.”  (*Timothy Lane and Paul David Tripp, “Relationships: A Mess Worth Making”)

Thoughts on Walking in Forgiveness

  • Stop. Pray.  Ask God for a heart to see own sin even as we go to another; pray for both hearts.
  • By keeping account of wrongs, we do not let it go. Share our hearts, open doors for restoration, and move on.
  • If we nurse bitterness, we are sinning against our brothers and sisters and we are sinning against God ultimately hurting ourselves. Choosing forgiveness over nursing wounds will bring healing.
  • When you walk away in anger from anyone who does not agree with you or assigning evil intent to that person, you are missing the grace of God that seeks truth.
  • When you grow angry with anyone who confronts you and either use your anger towards them or cut them out of your life, you are missing the grace of God.
  • Choose to “think on” and listen to music and other “inputs” that remind us to forgive as God forgave us.
  • Choose to cultivate thankfulness.

 

FORGIVENESS lyrics by Matthew West

It’s the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

It takes everything you have just to say the word…

      Forgiveness

      Forgiveness

 It flies in the face of all your pride

It moves away the mad inside

It’s always anger’s own worst enemy

Even when the jury and the judge

Say you gotta right to hold a grudge

It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

      Forgiveness, Forgiveness

      Forgiveness, Forgiveness

      Show me how to love the unlovable

      Show me how to reach the unreachable

      Help me now to do the impossible

      Forgiveness, Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away

It can even set a prisoner free

There is no end to what it’s power can do

So, let it go and be amazed

By what you see through eyes of grace

The prisoner that it really frees is you

      Forgiveness, Forgiveness

      Forgiveness, Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free

So show me how to see what Your mercy sees

Help me now to give what You gave to me

Forgiveness, Forgiveness