As I was rummaging through some old notebooks and journals, I found one from 1996 that caught my eye.

At that time our children were quite small.

Now each of them are married with families of their own so the challenge my husband made to us was not just for that time but for today and not just for us but for our children.

After a conversation following a small group study on marriage we were involved with at our church, my husband said, “We don’t ever need to keep anything from each other.  No matter how hard it is and especially if there are things we might think we want to keep from each other, we need to make sure we keep our lives completely open to each other for the sake of our marriage.” 

I remember that conversation.

He was right then and that is still true.

There is nothing that will weaken and/or destroy a marriage faster than deceit, strategic or outright lies, and hidden places.

There is nothing harder but more strengthening to a marriage than truth in and because of love.

It is true with other important relationships as well but none so critical as marriage.

But, with truth must come grace from both people; grace to receive truth and grace in telling it.

Tender mercies gifted to another make hard paths less harsh and conversations come with a safe place to land.

Not to bring condemnation and shame but to heal and strengthen!

Self-protection and defensiveness have no place in a “transparent marriage,” but it is in the hard truths and the dying to self that life together is experienced to the full; that delight grows in ways unexpected and that a true desire for one’s spouse deepens.

Why?

Because it is only then that marriage is being lived as God designed it and that was to be a gift to a man and a woman and a glory to Himself.

Indeed, we read in Ephesians 5:29-32 about the mystery of marriage which is a picture of Christ and the Church.

Christ doesn’t allow us to hide; He opens the doors and sheds light in dark places as a call to freedom away from self-destructive choices to choices and attitudes that allow us to flourish.

Christ doesn’t allow us to be satisfied in “selfish ambitions and vain conceits.” He calls us to die to self and live for Him which then leaves us with a desire to love another faithfully and well.

Christ doesn’t leave us in the shadows to do whatever “feels” right. He convicts and reveals those places that “seem right” but that are anything but true with the intention of doing us and our spouse good not harm.

He confronts us not to shame us but to make us whole, to grow us, to give us “life that is truly life.”

And that should be our aim in revealing truths about ourselves and speaking truth to our spouse; in allowing the other to “see into” each of us and trust that that love will hold the marriage fast in the easy and the hard as Christ holds us fast!

Christ loved the Church so much that He died for her, for those who are His own.

As husbands are to love their wives in this manner, wives are to respect their husbands. 

And both are to do the job of loving and respecting the other.

It’s easy to throw that out in a wedding ceremony or in a sermon or a teaching opportunity on marriage; it sounds so good.

It is, however, anything but easy much of the time.

We are self-protecting creatures that want to make sure our hearts are safe.

We are creatures who love ourselves and convince ourselves that anything our hearts tell us is okay is, in fact, just fine even if God has said otherwise and even if we recognize how destructive it would be to us if we were on the other end.

But to do as Jesus has done for His body, the Church, means shedding our “blood” in dying to self and that is a choice we can make in the power of the Holy Spirit, and one we must make it if we are to reflect that beautiful picture of Christ and the Church and experience the joy that is possible in a marriage that says, “I die to myself out of my love for Christ and for you.”

That’s the beauty of a life lived for someone else!

That’s the delight of a life and a marriage lived for God’s glory!